To My Wife...

As I settle in my hospital bed for what is becoming yet another in a string of lonely nights, my mind wanders to those I love. I am starting to believe that when we are separated from those we love, we are being provided the opportunity to see them in a new way.

With so much time to myself, I think back on 32 years and recall moments that have made me into the person I am. Even as the memories fade, these moments stand out. I find myself focusing on one moment more than any other; January 26th, 2002, when I married Andrea Frericks.

I met Andrea is college and for some inexplicable reason, she managed to put up with the selfish, self absorbed, stubborn, (fill in the blanks) person that I was. To this day I have no idea why. Especially as we go through this illness together, I am unsure how I managed to be so fortunate. My dad likes to remind me how lucky I am. Marrying up is something we have in common.

I mentioned marrying Andrea as a moment, but it wasn’t like flipping a switch. We were both young with plenty of growing up to do, but we’ve spent these 9 years since growing together. In so many ways, we are a perfect match, in so many ways we are not; but for all my shortcomings she has held on tightly… more for my good, than her’s.

She is so much stronger than she thinks she is.

I hope I’ve made her laugh more than cry. I hope I give her strength, because she is mine. I’ve taken her for granted; she takes me for who I am.

So, here I am with this opportunity. To my wife: I want to grow into one of those old couples, so into each other that we embarrass everyone else around us. I am not sure if we will be provided the time to grow old together, but at least we can try to embarrass everyone else. Sound like a plan?

There was a point not that long ago, that I would have felt too self-conscious to share such personal thoughts. One’s point of view changes when dealing with something like AML. If course priorities change, but I find myself more emotionally connected to what is going on around me. May I never again miss an opportunity to tell those around me how important they are. Why is it that we are often forced to realize these things?

Perhaps I am destined to emerge from this with some kind of strong insight about who I am and what I want…perhaps not. I have faith this is all playing out as it should. Whether our tests are illness, injury, relationships or our own stupidity, at least life is not a long boring road to nowhere.