Oh Crap...

(This is Andy) So whenever Jon writes somehow he always manages to post something quirky, kinda funny, no matter how 'not funny' the rest of his post may be. I can't even begin to attempt that tonight and let me apologize in advance because not only do I have alot to tell, but I also need to catch you up on what's been going on.

You see I've been trying to figure out what to say for a few days. I honestly really don't want to talk about what I'm about to tell you, but I'm a planner so I figure it's best to attempt to prepare everyone for the path that lies ahead.... but let me start at the beginning of last week.

On Monday, Jon had a bone marrow biopsy. The purpose of this biopsy was really not to check if the leukemia was still there, but to send the bone marrow sample with the leukemia in it to a special lab on the East Coast. That lab would be able to try different types of chemo on Jon's leukemia cells in the sample of bone marrow to see what types of chemo the leukemia responded well to.

So Tuesday morning, Jon called me well before 9 a.m. Now this in itself was a surprise as Jon had been struggling with being able to focus in order to make phone calls and send text messages... my initial thought... Oh crap....

But Jon was ECSTATIC on the other end of the phone and though he struggled to tell me the right words for the good news he had, one thing was clear. He had good news. There was NO leukemia in his bone marrow. So not only was the leukemia gone, but there was no need to send the sample to the East Coast lab.

As excited as I was about Jon's wonderful news, I had to wait until after work, after I picked up the kids, and then since my mother-in-law was in town, I was able to eave the kids at home while I went to see Jon at the hospital. Imagine my surprise as I'm walking into his hospital wing to see a chest xray machine and 2 technicians standing next to it right outside Jon's room. Then as I walk into his room I see 2 gowned up nurses taking blood cultures... and my thought again was Oh crap... You see Jon had spiked a fever that afternoon of 102.4 and that immediately calls for blood cultures (so we can figure out what it is) and lots of crazy antibiotics so they can try to get ahead of the infection.

We got ahead of the infection, but it was a rough few days. Turns out it was in Jon's PICC line and come to find out it was the kocula bacteria. What that is, is 1 of a family of bacteria that seem to cause infections in people who haven't had an immune system in a long time, which Jon hasn't.

Now I just mentioned Jon hasn't had an immune system since October. Seriously, since October. We've been hitting Jon with different types of chemo for the past 2 and a half years trying to fight this terrible disease and up until October each time Jon's immune system would come strong within just 3-4 weeks. Now since October a few things have changed. Not only has Jon's body been struggling to get rid of the leukemia, his body has been unable to build back his immune system. Now our families and I have all been wondering why aren't his counts coming back (his counts are his immune system) and I've been hesitant to ask because I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.

Fast forward to Friday.. after a routine dental appointment, I stopped in to see Jon that morning. I was pulled out of his room for a quick heart-to-heart conversation. The topic of discussion: Jon's immune system or lack of one. Basically if Jon's immune system doesn't reboot on its own in the next few weeks then it isn't going to...ever. And you can't live without an immune system, you are susceptible to any and every kind of infection possible. Point taken. I soon left the hospital and stopped to buy paint (because my original plan for the afternoon was to stay home and paint), and then the conversation I had just had settled in.

After a well-timed text message from my sister-in-law, (I had called her back and spilled my news) we ended up at my house talking while painting Nevaeh's new room. And then, dum-dum-dum, my cell phone rings and the voice on the other end says: Dr. Darabi wants to meet with you this afternoon at 3....

Oh Crap...

So I will spare you all the details of that fateful conversation, but the fact remains: Jon doesn't have an immune system. It's not coming back on its own. And realistically, the leukemia is gone for the moment, but not forever. We got lucky this week. The infection Jon got was really, really bad, he's okay now. But how long can he survive without an immune system, and how long should he have to.

I've had lots of heart-to-heart conversations this week, with Jon's parents, his sister, my parents, but the absolute worst was the one I had with Alivia and Nevaeh. It's a conversation no one should have to have with their kids, and we've had way too many of them.

You all need to remember we've been fighting this fight for a long time. Jon's been fighting so hard, for so long - at what point is it too much to ask of him. Chemo is not something that is good for you, it is so hard on your body and the past 7 weeks have been extremely hard on him.

Please don't ask me how I'm doing, how would you be doing if it were you. I know you all want to help and I truly appreciate it, but please don't ask me what you can do to help, because the response in my head every time is "fix my husband" and I don't know anyone who can do that.

So now I am off to bed, in the house that Jon may never get to come home to, that is filled with the four most precious gifts he ever gave me...our babies.