So back to AML and healthcare for a post or two.
Here I am on my 10th round of Chemo. I'll be out of the hospital in less then a week which has a way of brightening anyone's outlook.
I few weeks ago I posted about my October and in general how bleak things seemed at the time. The facts around my situation really have not changed. I don't have a lot of options for treatment. A cure is far less likely, but isn't out of the cards. As it stands now, I await the results of the bone marrow biopsy I had on Friday. I expect it to indicate remission. From there I probably go back to Mayo for a consult. I laid out what I know now about my options in a prior post.
Through all these round of chemo. The doctor would typically put me on a low dose of some kind of antidepressant (Ex: Remeron). I don't like the idea of medicating ones mood, but he'd typically dismiss it or justify it to me as useful for some of the other affects like increasing my appetite or helping me sleep. I trust my doctors, so that was generally good enough for me.
It's no secret now that I have taken this relapse much harder and I admit to being depressed and withdrawn. The nurses that know me well were concerned and I suppose I was a bit sensitive when they would bring it up. After all, why wouldn't I be depressed. I generally feel that it's justified and anyone facing the same situation would probably be reacting the same way.
I thought I was putting a pretty good happy face on when people came to visit. It's done so much for me this time that I have had so many visitors. I wish we hadn't scared so many people away in prior rounds for fear of making me sick. Having visitors far outweighs the risk of infection. Looking back now I guess I didn't put on a very effective front those first few weeks.
My post where I vented and put all my frustrations out there has resulted in so may positive things. An answer to prayers perhaps. I'd like to think my outlook\mood has improved just as a natural progression of being angry about those thing and then accepting the situation. I honestly think that has much to do with the improvement in my mood.
However, in talking to a variety of my caregivers from my case managers, nurses, doctor and even Keith, the mental health guy I was giving a hard time before, I came to accept that perhaps giving some of the antidepressants a try was not a bad thing. So a while back I relented and let them provide me with a bit of a stronger treatment. I have been taking Lexapro for over a week now.
It's one of those scenarios where I can't say whether it's the drugs, the fact that I've accepted things or maybe just knowing I will be out of here shortly. I will admit, reluctantly, that the antidepressants are probably doing a pretty good job. People visiting have commented on my improved mood. My caregivers here are happy with the marked improvement. I suppose most can see it in the tone of my posts.
I still have my same issues with medicating someone's mood. I still think it strange that antidepressant drugs can have a side effect of having "unusual thoughts of hurting yourself or others". (definitely not in my case). Are there" usual thoughts of hurting your thoughts or others"?
If there are others going through a similar experience who have the same reservation about these kinds of meds, I guess I'd recommend giving the drugs a try. Especially if things have progressed to a particularly rough spot. I would have requested that we stop them had I not liked or been comfortable with the way I felt. I like to think I know myself well enough to know if they were causing problems.
I am feeling better, more optimistic and upbeat about things. So, whatever the cause, I am thankful.
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